Category: Mental Health

OCD – Knowing who you are

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This is something I’ve struggled with for years and years as a result of my OCD.  When a mental illness has taken over your brain and life so completely, it’s hard to know who the real person in there actually is.

Is my OCD part of who I am or am I someone who happens to have OCD?  Do I accept that OCD will always be part of who I am or do try to work out who I would be if it wasn’t there?  Is that even obtainable?

In all honestly I really don’t know if I can separate myself completely from my OCD.  It truly has been a constant in my life for so long and even now when I can dismiss the thoughts I still have to push myself outside of my comfort zone on a daily basis with things such as socialising, driving, shopping, in fact most things which you would classify as ‘normal’ activities because of my anxiety, which is a result of my OCD.

So who is the normal me?  Who am I actually?  The person who wants to stay in or the person who forces themselves to go out?  So much of my life feels a struggle that I really have no idea – I laugh.

I feel incredibly lucky with my home life, I have an incredibly supportive husband and two beautiful children who keep me so busy that mostly I don’t have time to think about this question too much and perhaps that is when I truly am being my real self.  I just wish I could show that person to the rest of the world.

I feel like I’ve rambled quite a bit here but hopefully it’s made sense.  I think I made a mini breakthrough at the end, funny how by writing things down you can sometimes answer your own questions.

So if you’re like me and struggling to separate yourself from the OCD then maybe sit and think about the places you are most at peace and feel most happy, this is probably the version of yourself you are most comfortable with and would most like to be.

Sending positive thoughts to you all on what is world kindness day – a day late I realise!

Stay Strong xxx

OCD – During and Post Pregnancy

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So I’ve not posted for a few weeks, life has been a bit hectic as I’ve just had another baby and it hasn’t left much time for anything!

If you’d told me 5 years ago that I would have two babies now I probably wouldn’t have believed you.  I have come so far with my recovery over the last few years but still my OCD tries to bring me down daily and I have to keep strong and battle it constantly.  It is exhausting and having a baby definitely intensifies it.

I believe this pregnancy was easier then the first, there weren’t so many thoughts that floored me the way they did the first time around.  Possibly this was because I had less time to focus on the pregnancy with looking after my little boy but also I had a bit of experience on my side this time around.

Pregnancy and looking after a baby heightens everything: stress, hormones, fatigue all with less time for self care, eating well and exercise.  For anyone dealing with a mental health issue you will know how important all these things are to stay on track.  I believe I said the last time I blogged about pregnancy that I could understand how some mental health issues, such as Post natal depression, anxiety and OCD itself among others can actually be triggered by pregnancy let alone intensified by it.  It really is life changing in so many ways.

There have been a few things this time around which have caught me a bit off guard I’m sad to say, nothing too huge but enough to impact on my mood on occasion which I hate.  I can however still see that I’ve come a long way and when I do confront the thoughts rather then avoid them it does help so I have to remember that.

What advice would I give someone who has OCD and is struggling with pregnancy?  

  • Take one day at a time, one hour at a time if it helps (I still have to do this sometimes).
  • Don’t isolate yourself, except help and talk to people if you feel like you’re not coping
  • Remember that you’re definitely not alone, OCD in particular can make you feel very isolated, this is how it really gets under your skin, don’t let it.
  • If thoughts come to you when you’re up in the night don’t do anything with them until the morning.  The day can give everything a new perspective, if you can dismiss the thoughts altogether even better but definitely don’t tackle them in the middle of the night when everything seems worse.
  • If you can feel yourself getting stressed/anxious take a deep breath.  If you can safely remove yourself from the situation then do.  If that’s not possible try to ground yourself by being mindful about your surroundings.
  • Don’t beat yourself up, remember that no one finds this easy and if they tell you they do they’re probably lying or have a lot of help.

Hopefully some of this will help reassure anyone struggling with pregnancy related OCD and as always,

Stay Strong xxx

 

 

OCD – Transference

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So I’m not completely sure whether transference is the best term to describe this type of OCD but it feels like the best word to use for now.  When I think about OCD transference I think about a belief that someone else’s issues/problems can be ‘transferred’ onto you by just hearing about them/coming in to contact with them.  I would say it’s very closely linked to magical thinking OCD where there doesn’t have to be any actual factual link, your mind has just associated the two things together and triggered the anxiety and from then on you’re just back peddling.

I get this a lot, I mean A LOT.  It’s almost like when I hear something new, say on the news or in the paper I have to self assess myself to see if I am capable of what I’ve read or if there’s any event in my past that I can link to what I’ve seen.  Sometimes there’s even a fear that I could do what I’ve heard in the future.  So yes, it pretty much covers all bases.

Something I have found really helpful with getting through this type of OCD (which pretty much still hits me daily) is liking and believing  in yourself you have to know yourself incapable of unthinkable acts.  It does get a bit trickier when it’s something out of your control like a fear of contamination or a health issue.  We can spend so much time worrying about things happening to us that we forget to live.  This is probably one of the saddest things about OCD, I know I have missed out on a lot over the years through fear.  It’s so frustrating for me to look back now and I really try hard not to let it get to me anymore.

Having an awareness of what is happening can help, I’ve had OCD for a long time but I probably had it for nearly 10 years before I really understood what it was that was happening to me.  Without the understanding the anxiety and fears are more real because you just ‘go with them’, your body is telling you to be scared so you are.  I am now so aware of my irrational reactions to things that sometimes I am combating them before they even hit me.  Obviously it would be amazing to get to a stage where I have no reaction to the news etc but I’m not sure if this will ever be possible for me.  There’s only so much you can change the way your mind works.

So one of the things about transference is that a lot of them time you know the associated thought is irrational, I’m going to use an example sorry.

Say you have found out a friend has cancer, when you are hearing about it you think of yourself and then you have a fear that you will also get cancer unless you neutralise the thought with a ritual of some sort. 

You have transferred someone else’s issue onto yourself.  It’s quite a basic example but you get the general gist.  What can also happen for people with Pure O is that you realise the thought is irrational and you have to try and work out why your brain has linked it and why it’s completely irrational, therefore giving the thought time and making it stronger and more distracting.

I’m sitting here writing this now and I don’t like the fact that I’ve used myself in the example.  As by writing it my OCD is telling me that it could make it more likely to happen, which I know is completely irrational but still, the thought is there and I’m so tempted to change my example but I’m not going to!

It’s tough, this sort of OCD because you can’t avoid it, you have to face it.  Try to live in the now as much as you can, don’t think about the past, at all.  Try not to think too much about the future because you can’t truly know what is going to happen and you have limited control over it.  If you can take a  positive action then do it but otherwise let it be.

  • Make the most of what you have, write a thankful list each day to help you realise all of the good things that you have and how lucky you are.
  • Seek out the positives in life and don’t let other people drag you down.
  • Always do your best to fight the thoughts, it will get easier over time.
  • Use every tool you have to stay on course through your recovery.
  • Eat well and exercise if you can
  • Don’t use alcohol to drown out the thoughts, this never works!

Stay Strong xxx

OCD – Combating the affects

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So I’ve had a little break from blogging over the last month.  Really because my life just got stupidly busy but also partly because I find it easier to blog when I am having an OCD ‘episode’ for want of a better word.  It’s much easier to be honest and helpful rather then preachy if I am experiencing what I am blogging about at the time.  I guess one of the only downsides of recovery is that this happens less often and therefore I have less to share.

I have a lot going on at the moment and I have found that it’s come with a barrage of OCD and anxiety, oh joy!  One of the upsides of being very busy though is that I don’t really have any time to give to the thoughts and so although they are coming at me, I am able to bat them away with relative success.  This is obviously also a result of a lot of hard work over the years as in the past it wouldn’t matter how busy I was, the thoughts would still consume me.

So even though I’ve been doing my best over the last month I have had a couple of little ‘blips’ which, luckily I have managed to shake off but still it’s a very unwelcome reminder of how easy it is to slip back and how all consuming OCD can be.

I think the word consume is quite fitting when it comes to OCD, when a thought gets me that I just can’t shake for one reason or another it feels like all the light, joy and happiness has been sucked out of my world and there is just an all consuming darkness which comes over me.  I would imagine this is a bit what depression must feel like too.  It doesn’t matter how much good stuff you have going on, you just can’t break free.

Getting things done while suffering from OCD has always been tough for me.  As each activity throughout the day normally has some sort of associated OCD thought.  It can be a lot easier to avoid doing anything, this is definitely something I still battle daily.

Confidence is something else that my OCD has robbed me of and I am really unsure about how I will ever truly rebuild this part of my personality.  It has been pretty much ripped to shreds by a mental illness which is completely relentless.

Right so I don’t mean to moan, this blog is all about finding ways to combat OCD, including all the things I’ve just mentioned above.

So we have the:

All consuming thoughts

Well if you have OCD you’ll know how hard it is to combat the all consuming thoughts, after all this is pretty much what OCD is.  I’ve talked about lots of ways to fight thoughts in this blog but I’ve got to say I think the some of the things that work the best for me are:

  • Be mindful, somehow bring your thoughts back to what is right in front of you and don’t let your mind wonder onto if’s, but’s or maybes.
  • Distract yourself with a new task/conversion/activity/anything to bring your mind  away from the intrusive thought.
  • Accept that the darkness/doubt feeling won’t lift straight away, you need to be patient with yourself
  • Breathe

The procrastination from fear

The procrastination unfortunately is something you just have to face head on.  There is no way around it, you just have to go through it.  I quite often find that the anticipation is worse than the actual event and that once you have got something done sometimes the thoughts just disappear.

Sometimes they don’t and you have to work on dismissing them the other end but if you move strongly from one task to the next and don’t give yourself time to think on the past event, then sometimes you can’t even remember what it is you were worrying about, how wonderful!  Being busy is definitely your friend and OCD knows this and tries to stop you doing things, don’t let it!

The lack of confidence

The confidence thing is something I really need to work on, because of my false memory OCD it is really hard to to truly believe and trust in myself and my own judgement.  There aren’t many people in this world who want to build you up and you really have to believe in yourself to succeed.  It’s something really worth working on, it’s all about baby steps I guess and knowing that you’re just as good as everyone else.  Don’t let that OCD bully knock you down.

I hope some of my thoughts have been of use, OCD really is an ongoing daily battle but it can really help to know you’re not battling it alone and so thanks for all the positive feedback.

Stay Strong xxx

 

Dealing with Stress

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I think stress is something we all deal with, there’s just no escaping it nowadays.  We’re all programmed to take on too much and expect too much from ourselves.  How we deal with stress however varies massively, some people seem to be able to dismiss it relatively easily where as some of us let it consume us.

My current method for dealing with most stress is avoidance, over the years I’ve become very aware of what causes me to spiral downwards and so nowadays if I don’t need it in my life then it’s not there.  I realise this probably isn’t the healthiest approach and I wouldn’t really advocate it but there’s an element of self preservation in there for me while I’m on my long road to recovery and I slowly let bits back in on days I feel stronger and remove them again on days when I don’t feel so great.

So this is all well and good until I come across some unavoidable stress, urgh, the worst kind.  How then do we process the wash of tension, self doubt, etc when there’s just no getting away from it?  It’s a good question and one I’m definitely still trying to answer.

Firstly I always try and start with a bit of perspective, when struggling with OCD it’s very easy to catastrophise situations and make them appear much worse than they are, try to rationalise your thoughts where you can.

If the stress has been caused by say an argument at work, or a bad drive home then just let it go, the other person probably did hours ago, is it really worth your time and energy?

If it’s something more significant like an exam or money worries say then stressing isn’t going to help.  Sit down and write out a plan of action, things you can positively do to impact on your stress and deal with the situation in a positive light.

Organisation is key, I personally have a lot going on at the moment but by organising my time and being pro active I am just about winning.

If you can take some time out just for yourself to regroup then do.  Close your eyes, take a deep breath and feel the stress leave you as you breathe out.

Mindfulness and meditation are also great ways to reconnect with your body and try to work out what has caused the shift.  The small amount of time it takes will definitely be worth the pay off you get afterwards.  I’ve got to admit though whilst writing that last sentence I felt a bit hypocritical as this is something I never/rarely do, like I said I’m still working on it too!

Stress is something that quite often comes upon us without us even realising.  Sometimes the first sign for me is that I can feel my shoulders getting tight or I start to be really snappy and short with people.  Being able to sense and notice your signs early is another important factor in getting your stress under control quickly.

When you’re already processing a mental health issue stress is the last thing you want being piled on top of you, my advice would definitely be to remove all unnecessary stress where possible.  I expect we’ve all taken on something we don’t need which can be eliminated.

If you can’t remove all stress, take a day off.  Put the kids in nursery/school, book a days annual leave and do what makes you feel good just for one day, it’s a bit self indulgent but feels amazing and is totally worth it.  You can’t function properly if your cup is half full after all.

Learn to say no when you can, people won’t think any less of you and you will gain some time and energy back.

Look after yourself, if you are the one holding it all together and people are depending on you it’s more important then ever that you take good care of yourself.  Don’t resort to caffeine and sugar try and be conscious about what you are putting into your body.

I hope my ramblings have been of some use, just by writing a few things down I feel a bit more together myself.  Most things aren’t as bad a you think, look after yourselves and as always,

Stay Strong xxx

 

Self-defeating thoughts

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Now I’m pretty sure this one isn’t an OCD specific one but I would guess that someone with OCD is almost guaranteed to suffer from self-defeating thoughts, I know I do.  They come as a pretty package along with low confidence and self loathing which tend to be traits of OCD.

They occur pretty naturally as well so you don’t even realise you’re having one, so when you think about it you’re setting yourself up to fail before you’ve even attempted something, without even consciously realising you’re doing it, wow!

I have these thoughts all the time, even right now I’m procrastinating over a piece of programming work I’m supposed to be working on.  I’ve convinced myself I can’t do it,  even though I’ve done my job for over 6 years now and I’ve always managed to work through any issue which has been thrown my way.  Why therefore do I still undermine and doubt myself almost instantly every time?

Another example: just this week I found myself writing a work email to a colleague and towards the end I wrote something to the tune of “I realise it’s probably a stupid question but……”  I didn’t know if it was a stupid question, I didn’t know what he would think by reading the email, so why did I put myself down?  Did I do it before he had the chance to?  Was I protecting myself in some way?

I think my OCD has definitely contributed to this personality trait, it’s hard to be strong, confident and resilient towards life’s challenges when you don’t feel it inside.  In fact you probably feel low, worthless and useless a lot of the time when suffering through panic attacks, bouts of anxiety and trying to dismiss intrusive thoughts.  Man you have enough on your plate don’t you?

I obviously have a lot of work to do in this area of my life and I feel like it’s so extra  important for me at the moment because I don’t want my little boy to adopt such a negative trait from me.  I must:

  • Eliminate any negative/self deprecating thoughts and phrases
  • Have a positive attitude towards any challenge that comes my way
  • Know that I am good enough
  • Don’t expect to be perfect/set myself up to fail (wait is that a self deprecating thought?)

It always makes me  sad when I realise how much my OCD has shaped me over the years, how I’ve let people put me down, tell me I’m not good enough and generally just had a lot of my fight kicked out of me.  Well now is the time to start fighting again.

I hope some of my ramblings have rung true with some of you too and that you can notice these things and start to act on them as well.  Let me know if you make any progress.

As always (and more than ever this week), Stay Strong xxx

 

Brain Fog

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This is so interesting and something I’ve only become really aware of very recently.  I have suffered with ‘brain fog’ my whole life and I still get it pretty much daily now.  It’s normally worse in the mornings but I can suffer from it all day.  It makes concentrating on anything stupidly difficult and it makes me very unproductive which is incredibly frustrating and can make me very irritable.  I procrastinate for hours at work, I find it hard to get into hobbies such as piano, sewing, reading, even having a productive conversation is difficult at times because I am so restless and unable to focus.

I found this brilliant article this week which really explains a lot about brain fog and the links to diet and mental health disorders.  It also highlights a link between inflammation (which I personally have because of my ulcerative colitis) and food intolerance (which I also have as I’m lactose intolerant).  It really has revolutionised how I’m thinking about what I put into my body and how that is affecting my mental and physical health.  This line in particular

“Nearly every cell, tissue and system in the body, especially the gut-brain connection, suffers from an unresolved sensitivity”

in regard to food intolerance’s is just staggering for me.  The body is such a well balanced machine and I’m basically messing up that balance constantly and then wondering why I don’t feel great.

Something else mentioned in the article is the link back to hormone balance and  serotonin which I’ve mentioned in my previous posts.

I would be interested to know if anyone else suffers from ‘brain fog’ and what they do to help alleviate the symptoms.  I don’t suppose it will be a quick process to completely change my diet but I am definitely going to start trying.

The more I put names to my symptoms and research these things I’ve been experiencing for years and years the more I am starting to understand my mental health and how it all fits together.  It’s just a shame it has taken me so long to get to this stage.

Has this shed any light for anyone else?  It would be so interesting to hear.  I will report back on any progress I make and if I find any effective ways of combating ‘brain fog’ I will of course share.

As always, Stay Strong xxx

 

Taking on too much

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Now this is something that most of us probably do a lot of the time but it is very important, especially when you’re recovering from a mental health problem to try to put yourself first.  This isn’t always easy when you have a family but you have to remember that if you’re not 100% then your family will suffer too.

Taking on too much can cover a wide variety of things from work related stresses to other people’s problems.  Whatever you’re doing always try to get your recovery and wellbeing at the forefront of your mind and if that means you have to be a little selfish from time to time then you what, that’s fine.

If you have a friend who just sucks all the energy from you because all they do is moan then don’t see them so often.  If you know people are taking advantage of your good nature by asking too much of you then talk to them, say you haven’t got the time/energy, they probably don’t even realise they’re doing it.

It is OK to be a bit selfish at times and do a few things for just you.  I know as a mum you are always putting everyone else first and your needs seems to come right at the bottom of the list, if at all but it is important to try as mental health problems can spiral out of control very quickly.

Something I’ve been doing a lot recently is not eating well enough.  I make sure my little boy has the best food, homemade and full of goodness and then I find myself eating his scraps or having made nothing for myself at all.  I am so concerned he should eat well – as I know how important that is – but then I don’t do the same for myself!

Then what I find is mid-afternoon I have no energy and I get tired and grumpy and ill more often – I seem to have endless colds at the moment – and this is because I am not caring for myself the way I know I should.  I did comment on this a couple of blogs back – OCD Letting things slip – but if I’m honest I don’t know if I’m doing any better recently.

So once again, a note to myself – and anyone else in a similar position – to take better care of myself and that it’s not selfish to do that.

Stay Strong xxx

 

 

Mental Health Crossovers

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One of the most interesting things for me when I finally got myself into some counselling was the realisation that what I was suffering from wasn’t just OCD but actually also anxiety and worry.  I had always just blanketed all of my thoughts and feelings under the OCD umbrella and it was enlightening to break it down and understand it all on another level.

I sometimes find it really difficult to differentiate between worry and OCD.  I will try now with a couple of examples:

A worry:  

‘I have to drive to the supermarket to do my shopping, what if I crash the car on the way or hit someone in the car park?  ‘  

An OCD thought after visiting the supermarket:

‘There was a pothole in the car park that I went over when leaving the supermarket, what if that was actually a child and I didn’t see them?  ‘  

Once you start to break the thoughts down, you can start to look at how to overcome them.  To be honest a lot of the methods work for both worry and OCD but there are some separate tools which could be useful.

For worry there is a tool called ‘The Worry Tree’, best shown by an illustration here.  I have personally found the worry tree very useful in helping to dismiss worrying thoughts when they come along.

Worry and OCD are also incredibly closely linked to GAD (General anxiety disorder) and the intolerance of uncertainty.

I’ve recently found the APPLE acronym  (Acknowledge, Pause, Pull Back, Let Go and Explore) which can be used to help combat GAD.  I’m going to be giving it a go (More information in link above page 2).

As always I hope this helps, Stay strong xx

Talking about mental health

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Until today I hadn’t really thought that much about speaking about mental health issues. Yes it took me a very long time to talk to anyone about my OCD but now that I have I don’t hide the fact I have it.  However when I meet someone for the first time it’s not the first thing I like to disclose about myself and thinking back now, people just don’t talk about mental health AT ALL!  So with the exception of just coming straight out with it, there is rarely a natural opportunity to talk about it.  In fact to this day some of my friends still don’t know, just because the opportunity has never arisen to tell them.  This makes me sad, as it’s a huge part of who I am and there is an element of freedom which comes with people knowing.

So if someone was struggling with a mental health issue, any mental health issue, would they feel like they could talk about it?  I’m guessing probably not, this is a huge failing in today’s society which must stop.  Why are mental health issues such a taboo subject when such a high percentage of the population is struggling with them (probably even more then we realise)?

So how do we get people talking about mental health?  It’s a very good question.

Events such as Mental health week help to bring mental health into the mainstream and get people talking but this is only one week a year.

Maybe if someone famous is suffering the way you are, you could use them to lead the conversation in that direction?

Perhaps a general stat could help, ‘One in four adults in the UK is suffering with a mental health issue of some kind’.

You may be surprised once you start chatting who else is feeling the same way as you. We owe it to each other to get these conversations going, don’t let people suffer in silence!