Self-defeating thoughts

Now I’m pretty sure this one isn’t an OCD specific one but I would guess that someone with OCD is almost guaranteed to suffer from self-defeating thoughts, I know I do.  They come as a pretty package along with low confidence and self loathing which tend to be traits of OCD.

They occur pretty naturally as well so you don’t even realise you’re having one, so when you think about it you’re setting yourself up to fail before you’ve even attempted something, without even consciously realising you’re doing it, wow!

I have these thoughts all the time, even right now I’m procrastinating over a piece of programming work I’m supposed to be working on.  I’ve convinced myself I can’t do it,  even though I’ve done my job for over 6 years now and I’ve always managed to work through any issue which has been thrown my way.  Why therefore do I still undermine and doubt myself almost instantly every time?

Another example: just this week I found myself writing a work email to a colleague and towards the end I wrote something to the tune of “I realise it’s probably a stupid question but……”  I didn’t know if it was a stupid question, I didn’t know what he would think by reading the email, so why did I put myself down?  Did I do it before he had the chance to?  Was I protecting myself in some way?

I think my OCD has definitely contributed to this personality trait, it’s hard to be strong, confident and resilient towards life’s challenges when you don’t feel it inside.  In fact you probably feel low, worthless and useless a lot of the time when suffering through panic attacks, bouts of anxiety and trying to dismiss intrusive thoughts.  Man you have enough on your plate don’t you?

I obviously have a lot of work to do in this area of my life and I feel like it’s so extra  important for me at the moment because I don’t want my little boy to adopt such a negative trait from me.  I must:

  • Eliminate any negative/self deprecating thoughts and phrases
  • Have a positive attitude towards any challenge that comes my way
  • Know that I am good enough
  • Don’t expect to be perfect/set myself up to fail (wait is that a self deprecating thought?)

It always makes me  sad when I realise how much my OCD has shaped me over the years, how I’ve let people put me down, tell me I’m not good enough and generally just had a lot of my fight kicked out of me.  Well now is the time to start fighting again.

I hope some of my ramblings have rung true with some of you too and that you can notice these things and start to act on them as well.  Let me know if you make any progress.

As always (and more than ever this week), Stay Strong xxx


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