Tag: stress

The chatter

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I’m pretty sure this is something that we all suffer with and if you don’t then you are incredibly lucky.  My internal chatter has been pretty loud of late, it’s something that I am incredibly aware of and have been for a long time because of my OCD.  Anyone with OCD will have a very loud internal chatterbox, it’s so hard to escape the noise inside your own head!

I have become pretty good at quietening mine down with practice over time.  Nowadays I try to speak more positively to myself, I have become very aware of my pessimistic,  glass half empty attitude so I have been pro actively trying to be more positive and change my natural thinking patterns.  I have been being pretty successful and have had some really great days but one place I don’t seem able to tune out the negative chatter is at work.

I went back to work about 5 months ago after having my second child.  Whilst I was off there have been a lot of changes to the way we work and I am struggling to keep up with the pace (or so my mind keeps telling me), my boss is amazing and all the stress is self imposed but I can’t seem to get myself out of this hate cycle where I just think I can’t do my job anymore even though I’ve been there for nearly 9 years now!  I have HUGE episodes of impostor syndrome where I just feel like everyone thinks I’m ridiculous and can’t do my job and the amount of times I thought about leaving as surely someones going to notice I can’t do my job at some point soon anyway!

I have made such huge strides forwards in my personal life and OCD recovery but work wise I just can’t seem to think positively.  It’s a huge vicious circle as well, as the time I spend worrying I’m not actually focusing on work!

So what to do about all this?  It’s a good question, I think to start a list of all the reasons to give myself a break and be a bit kinder to myself:

  • I’ve had 2 babies in the last 3 years and have had two years off work, its going to take a bit of time to get back up to speed
  • I only work part time now and don’t have the same amount of time to commit to work anymore
  • You’ve done your job for 9 years, you are able to do it
  • All the pressure is self imposed and is only coming from you
  • If you focus your mind on the new work rather then worrying about it you will be able to do it quicker – stop worrying, start doing
  • Be realistic about what is possible and stop trying to be perfect, you’re not going to keep up with the 18 years old’s who have all the time in the world!
  • Try to add in some daily relaxation
  • Be kind to yourself
  • Use positive affirmations – you can do it.

I’m pretty sure if one of my friends came and talked to me about the same situation I would tell them to be a lot kinder to themselves and stop expecting perfection.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Hopefully I can put some of this plan into action and start enjoying work again soon!  I hope some of this is helpful to others out there too, we probably all need to be a bit kinder to ourselves.

Happy new year all (can I still say that or is the 16th too late?), here’s to a fab 2020, and as always,

Stay Strong xxx

 

Just smile

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OCD and anxiety can be so isolating at times and the more time you spend alone the stronger their hold on you becomes.  One of the things we need to fight constantly is to keep going out to places, being social and interacting with people.  This of course is more easily said then done.

One of my biggest hang ups has always been supermarkets, I hate them.  I hate the carparks full of people walking in any direction they fancy, the busyness inside, people walking into you with their trolleys, having to make decisions on food choices and
ignore all the associated OCD thoughts.  I will admit for a long time I avoided them completely, I’ve only recently started to go back into them now and I still wouldn’t dream of doing a whole weeks shop.  This is something I’m working on and in the mean time I am so grateful for online shopping!
Anyway I’m digressing, if you are an OCD or anxiety sufferer I am sure you have places that trigger similar thoughts for you, whether it be the car, driving, shopping centres, wherever.

Unfortunately there’s never an easy fix for these things (sorry!) and what we have to do is reprogram our minds and get to the root of what is so anxiety inducing about these situations.  I know for me there are a lot of OCD triggers in supermarkets but I am slowly working my way through them, taking time to breath when someone knocks into me and knowing I will be OK. Picking up the first carrot I see rather then wondering what each little mark on it may be and giving myself time to let the anxiety fade as I know we cannot stay in an elevated state permanently.

A new strategy I’ve recently learned which I am starting to try in the hope it will help is to smile, sounds simple I know.

The brain is suspended in darkness and can only react to the feedback it receives from the senses.  If you are heading towards a situation that would normally make you anxious or you are experiencing some anxiety/OCD thoughts for whatever reason then try  and smile your way through it.  It is reassuring for the brain, it thinks you are happy and it helps to reprogram your automatic responses to situations.
There’s also the added benefit that a lot of the time if someone sees you smiling then they will smile back and then you get more positive reinforcement for your brain that you are safe and happy and that there is no need to trigger any fight or flight anxiety inducing responses.

It’s so simple and so easy to do and can be so powerful.  I know sometimes smiling probably feels like the last thing you want to do but just give it a try, I know I’m going to.
I hope it helps and as always,

Stay strong xxx

Anxiety

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I think anxiety has been part of my life for as long as OCD if not longer. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt completely relaxed, always questioning myself and my abilities, always thinking I’m not good enough and trying to please others. I naturally put myself down and the other day I even talked my boss out of promoting me at work because I didn’t think the people I would be managing would respect me enough to see me as senior! I’ve also noticed recently that I hold my breath, all the time which I’m currently leaning is terrible for anxiety.

I have created so many negative patterns over the years – similar to my last blog with the self defeating thoughts – that I’m surprised I’m still surviving to be honest.  I’ve even been tempted to give up this blog a few times as, “I know I’ve never been good at writing and who would want to read what I have to say anyway”.

I’m pretty sure a lot of my issues – particularly the breathing ones – stem from when I was young. I had terrible teachers at primary school, a terrifying father who
I just wanted to please all the time so that he wouldn’t loose his temper and just no good role models to show me good habits.  So here I am at 34 trying to wade through all the sh*t. Letting go of things which are very deeply rooted, some maybe even completely hidden from me still seems like an impossible task but I’m slowly trying to chip away at it day after day.

I’m guessing we’ve probably all got a bit of baggage stored up somewhere, if you’ve managed to get to where you are in life without any then you’ve done extremely well and please let me know the answer! Some people I think are calmer and find things easier to let go of or flow over them (this is what I’m working on). Other people probably don’t even realise that the reason they loose their temper so quickly or grind their teeth at night is probably rooted in something subconscious. Some people simply don’t want to face their issues and other perhaps can’t or don’t feel strong enough to.  It’s definitely not an easy road that’s for sure.

My ‘baggage’ for want of a better word started to make me ill; OCD, anxiety, UC, so I didn’t really have a choice but to look at things.  I am trying with this blog, therapy, diet, exercise, breath work and meditation to work through my issues but even I’m scared to open some of the doors to what I know is going to be horribly hard. There’s also a fear there particularity with the OCD that I will get pulled back in and that is absolutely terrifying.  Some days I feel like I’m clinging on and I might slip back, other days I feel strong and can face exposing myself to my past. The journey is long and bumpy but somehow I have to stay on it.

So I started this post about anxiety and how I feel like it’s connected to my breath, I’m currently going through a book, ‘And Breathe’, by Rebecca Dennis, which I would highly recommend as I believe it has helped me already. Just understanding how breathing properly can help you control your emotions and anxieties when they hit is the most fantastic tool.  I have been feeling more energised and positive just by doing 20 minutes breathing practice a night, it is nice to feel a little bit more in control and to have the energy and motivation to want to cook more healthily and exercise more.

I hope you’re all doing well this week,

Stay Strong xxx

Subconsciously self-defeating

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Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘You’re your own worst enemy’?  Well I’ve definitely got that one down.  I’ve become so good at it in fact that I now do it subconsciously!  It wasn’t until very recently – whilst going round a supermarket – that I could hear myself saying:

‘You’re really stressed out’

‘I feel so anxious’

‘Why is this so hard?’ 

‘Don’t look at anyone, head down and just get what you need’

Of course if you then add in all the OCD thoughts on top:

‘That looks a bit like blood’

‘That person just knocked me, what if I’ve caught something from them?’

‘I had a bad thought when I picked that carrot up, maybe I should put that one back and pick another one?’

‘Are the ingredients in this going to give me cancer?

you get the gist, completely exhausting.

So basically I go round day after day giving myself a hard time and pretty much setting myself up to fail from the outset.  My mind is constantly telling me that I’m not good enough, I can’t cope and that I’m feeling anxious.  I really don’t stand a chance and to top it off most of the time I’m doing it without even realising!

When I realised I was doing this I did try to turn the phrases around and speak more positively and kindly to myself but of course I have to notice that I’m doing it before I can be proactive about it.

I think we probably all need to be a bit kinder to ourselves, I mean if we can’t be kind to ourselves then what chance do we stand and yet I bet most of us are our own worst critic.

I am going to try and think of 5 things each night that I like about myself and when I look in the mirror I’m going to try and look at the things I do like about myself rather then the things I don’t.  Trying to change the habit of a life time is not going to be easy though, so many things happen without me even realising.

Why are we so hard on ourselves anyway?

Over the years I have found that in general people don’t want to hear good things, it almost feels like you’re boasting if you say ‘well my relationship is great and I love my husband very much’, people just don’t want to hear it.
People seem to like to moan and then moan to each other about each other, what
is with that?
Society seems pretty broken when I think of situations like this.  It takes a very secure and happy person to be truly happy for someone else and I don’t think many people are there themselves so how can they feel it for other people?

We all need to work on our happiness and be a bit kinder to ourselves.  Maybe try saying some of the following to yourself.

  1. I deserve to be happy
  2. I am in control of my own happiness
  3. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends
  4. I possess the qualities needed to be successful
  5. I am beautiful
  6. I love myself and who I am (generally a really hard one for people with OCD  but so important for recovery.)

I hope they help, as always

Stay Strong xxx

 

Brain Fog, Cured?

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Just over a year ago I wrote a post on Brain fog.  It is something I have suffered with for a long time and something I was slowly trying to unravel the cause of.  Having done a bit of research into it, it was starting to become quite obvious why I suffered from it but trying to pin point exactly the changes I could make that would clear my head was a lot harder.

I’ve mentioned a few times on here that I have Ulcerative Colitis and I am convinced there is a link between my brain and gut health and so my mental and physical well being as well.

A few months ago I went for some intolerance testing (I wrote a blog post about this at the time) initially it felt all very overwhelming and I still haven’t managed to implement all of the suggested lifestyle changes however one change which I have pretty much (about 95% of the time) implemented is removing dairy from my diet – this seemed like the easiest initial step as I had eliminated lactose for a long time already.

Get to the point!  I hear you shouting.

So I have recently noticed that I very, very rarely get brain fog anymore, I’m not saying it’s gone completely but considering I used to get it EVERYDAY this is MASSIVE for me.

I should probably mention that I have also started taking a probiotic drink for gut health around the same time as eliminating dairy.  I personally believe that both changes will be improving my gut health by reducing inflammation and so in turn improving my mental health.

I am delighted that I am now able to focus better on things.  I feel more
involved in life and not like I’m constantly watching it go by from behind a fog.  I also have more energy and want to do things which is HUGE for me.

I realise that I still have work to do and that I still struggle some days but I am getting there and I am starting to work out what works for me which is great.

Stay Strong xxx

Mindfulness

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So what feels like years ago I said something along the lines of,

‘I’m going to give mindfulness a go because I’ve dabbled in it and it seems to work’. 

So it was actually Oct 2017 and to be honest I haven’t really got any further along my mindfulness journey which is incredibly disappointing.

Recently I’ve been feeling incredibly stressed and anxious, my stomach problems have been getting worse and I’ve felt quite out of control – which I HATE – I don’t seem to be able to find a diet which suits me and I am struggling to think clearly as my mind fog comes and goes.  Even sitting myself down to write this blog post has been a challenge but I know it is important that I do.

So also about a year ago I downloaded a mindfulness app, it has a feature that lets you put in an alert so that every day you get a reminder to do just 5 minutes (initially) of mindfulness meditation, should be easy right?  Every evening I see it pop up on my phone and every evening I just ignore it and carry on with whatever I am doing – I obviously have no time for that.  Writing this now I know my husband is going to give me a hard time about this, I know alright, insert rolling eyes emoji here.  I also know he only does it because he loves me.

We are very self destructive as humans, we almost rebel against the things we know do us good.  We know we should eat well, exercise, drink in moderation, not smoke or do drugs, we should meditate and sleep for 8 hours each night etc etc.  So why don’t we do these things?  Is it because we think it makes us boring?  I know personally when I start  trying to do all these things I feel very overwhelmed and you have to be very determined as no one else seems to be doing them so there’s very little support.

I went round a friends house yesterday and out on the floor were two cakes and a bag of cookies and then the conversation was all about trying to loose weight.  What is wrong with us?  Does it just take a bit more effort and therefore we can’t be bothered?

Anyway I digress, this post was supposed to be about mindfulness meditation.  So this week when that notification on my phone pops up, an much as I know I’m not going to want to I’m going to try and take that five minutes and tune in with my body because I owe it to myself.

I will let you know how it goes, stay tuned and of course as always,

Stay Strong xxx

 

Hello 2019

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Happy New Year all, did we all have a good festive period?  I always think it’s a rather odd time of year to be honest, all routine goes out of the window, people eat too much, drink too much and generally loose control.

For people with a mental illness who require routine to stay stable this can be really hard.  I have two children now which requires you keep some routine but in the past this time of year has been difficult for me, particularly new year, I would go as far as to say new years eve is the worst day of the year for me.

My OCD has always had a strong connection to endings, – if I have an intrusive thought when something is about to happen for the last time, maybe I’m about to click the ‘buy’ button online, leave a holiday cottage for the last time or the end/beginning of a new year then of course this thought is going to come true – go figure.  This has always been a big one for me and over the years I’ve become better at ignoring it but it’s hard!

The festive time can be amazing for some people but I know for others it can be incredibly hard, breaks in routine, long periods of time possibly on your own and lots of alcohol just to compound it all.  I hope it hasn’t been too rough for you all.

I’ve found my OCD creeping back in here and there over the last few weeks, changes in circumstances can bring new intrusive thoughts which can catch you off guard.  After you’ve had OCD for over 20 years – man that stat sucks – there’s not that many new things your brain can throw at you day to day but change your circumstances a bit, say have a baby and new situations/thoughts can arrive and you’re not always as equipped to deal with them.  Now I already have one child so this time around I’ve been a bit better but there’s still the odd thing that can catch you off guard.  I’m just trying to take one day at a time at the moment and not be too hard on myself.

So this all feels like I’m rambling but this blog has actually become a sort of therapy in itself for me – oddly I really didn’t see that coming when I started it – just by letting all the junk in my mind out it starts to make more sense and rationalise what is an anxious mess in my head.

I really hope it can be of some use to someone else too but whatever happens it is helping me!

Here’s to a good 2019 – if it hasn’t started off as well as you’d hoped like mine then don’t worry, you can start each day a fresh it doesn’t have to be a new year.

Stay Strong xxx

 

OCD – During and Post Pregnancy

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So I’ve not posted for a few weeks, life has been a bit hectic as I’ve just had another baby and it hasn’t left much time for anything!

If you’d told me 5 years ago that I would have two babies now I probably wouldn’t have believed you.  I have come so far with my recovery over the last few years but still my OCD tries to bring me down daily and I have to keep strong and battle it constantly.  It is exhausting and having a baby definitely intensifies it.

I believe this pregnancy was easier then the first, there weren’t so many thoughts that floored me the way they did the first time around.  Possibly this was because I had less time to focus on the pregnancy with looking after my little boy but also I had a bit of experience on my side this time around.

Pregnancy and looking after a baby heightens everything: stress, hormones, fatigue all with less time for self care, eating well and exercise.  For anyone dealing with a mental health issue you will know how important all these things are to stay on track.  I believe I said the last time I blogged about pregnancy that I could understand how some mental health issues, such as Post natal depression, anxiety and OCD itself among others can actually be triggered by pregnancy let alone intensified by it.  It really is life changing in so many ways.

There have been a few things this time around which have caught me a bit off guard I’m sad to say, nothing too huge but enough to impact on my mood on occasion which I hate.  I can however still see that I’ve come a long way and when I do confront the thoughts rather then avoid them it does help so I have to remember that.

What advice would I give someone who has OCD and is struggling with pregnancy?  

  • Take one day at a time, one hour at a time if it helps (I still have to do this sometimes).
  • Don’t isolate yourself, except help and talk to people if you feel like you’re not coping
  • Remember that you’re definitely not alone, OCD in particular can make you feel very isolated, this is how it really gets under your skin, don’t let it.
  • If thoughts come to you when you’re up in the night don’t do anything with them until the morning.  The day can give everything a new perspective, if you can dismiss the thoughts altogether even better but definitely don’t tackle them in the middle of the night when everything seems worse.
  • If you can feel yourself getting stressed/anxious take a deep breath.  If you can safely remove yourself from the situation then do.  If that’s not possible try to ground yourself by being mindful about your surroundings.
  • Don’t beat yourself up, remember that no one finds this easy and if they tell you they do they’re probably lying or have a lot of help.

Hopefully some of this will help reassure anyone struggling with pregnancy related OCD and as always,

Stay Strong xxx

 

 

Never forget how far you’ve come!

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It’s so easy to give yourself a hard time!  I do it constantly, I’m definitely my own worst critic.  This week I was in the supermarket, it was really busy and I could feel the anxiety sitting there in my chest.  The car park was packed with people everywhere and inside wasn’t any better.

On top of the anxiety I then started getting frustrated with myself that small, normal day to day activities like shopping are still difficult and stressful for me.  Everyone else can do it, why can’t I, gurrrrr!

When I got home I had to sit down and remind myself that actually a couple of years ago I wouldn’t even of made it into the car park let alone the supermarket and actually I have come such a long way.  Even being able to recognise the anxiety and OCD thoughts when they are happening is progress.

Recovery is a marathon not a sprint (unfortunately), there will be set backs and days when we find it harder than others.  Always try and keep this in mind, never forget how far you’ve come, OCD is a bully and it won’t give up so you mustn’t either.

So how do you deal with these low points when they occur? 

I guess you have to be realistic, it is naive to think you’re not going to have bad days along the way and having a plan of action in place is key.

Always be kind to yourself and don’t catastrophise events/situations.

For me this week the shopping was something I had to get done, as we all know we have to face our anxieties head on and not run away from them.  I used breathing mostly to get through my anxiety on this occasion.  Deep breaths in and out to keep myself calm and relaxed.  I also took my time, I wasn’t in a rush so I took the opportunity to take a step back and think about what it was that was causing me to be so anxious.

The process for me on this occasion was more about getting through the shopping trip rather then relieving the anxiety, as this didn’t pass until I was home later and all the thoughts had gone but even being able to function with the anxiety is essential for recovery.  Not being completely paralysed by the fear, thoughts and the physical reaction is also an achievement in itself and by writing this now I am only just realising that myself.

It’s so frustrating to have to be on a journey – man I hate that word – but like it or not I am on an OCD recovery journey and I hope some of the things I am learning along the way are helping you guy’s out too.

Stay Strong xxx

Dealing with Stress

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I think stress is something we all deal with, there’s just no escaping it nowadays.  We’re all programmed to take on too much and expect too much from ourselves.  How we deal with stress however varies massively, some people seem to be able to dismiss it relatively easily where as some of us let it consume us.

My current method for dealing with most stress is avoidance, over the years I’ve become very aware of what causes me to spiral downwards and so nowadays if I don’t need it in my life then it’s not there.  I realise this probably isn’t the healthiest approach and I wouldn’t really advocate it but there’s an element of self preservation in there for me while I’m on my long road to recovery and I slowly let bits back in on days I feel stronger and remove them again on days when I don’t feel so great.

So this is all well and good until I come across some unavoidable stress, urgh, the worst kind.  How then do we process the wash of tension, self doubt, etc when there’s just no getting away from it?  It’s a good question and one I’m definitely still trying to answer.

Firstly I always try and start with a bit of perspective, when struggling with OCD it’s very easy to catastrophise situations and make them appear much worse than they are, try to rationalise your thoughts where you can.

If the stress has been caused by say an argument at work, or a bad drive home then just let it go, the other person probably did hours ago, is it really worth your time and energy?

If it’s something more significant like an exam or money worries say then stressing isn’t going to help.  Sit down and write out a plan of action, things you can positively do to impact on your stress and deal with the situation in a positive light.

Organisation is key, I personally have a lot going on at the moment but by organising my time and being pro active I am just about winning.

If you can take some time out just for yourself to regroup then do.  Close your eyes, take a deep breath and feel the stress leave you as you breathe out.

Mindfulness and meditation are also great ways to reconnect with your body and try to work out what has caused the shift.  The small amount of time it takes will definitely be worth the pay off you get afterwards.  I’ve got to admit though whilst writing that last sentence I felt a bit hypocritical as this is something I never/rarely do, like I said I’m still working on it too!

Stress is something that quite often comes upon us without us even realising.  Sometimes the first sign for me is that I can feel my shoulders getting tight or I start to be really snappy and short with people.  Being able to sense and notice your signs early is another important factor in getting your stress under control quickly.

When you’re already processing a mental health issue stress is the last thing you want being piled on top of you, my advice would definitely be to remove all unnecessary stress where possible.  I expect we’ve all taken on something we don’t need which can be eliminated.

If you can’t remove all stress, take a day off.  Put the kids in nursery/school, book a days annual leave and do what makes you feel good just for one day, it’s a bit self indulgent but feels amazing and is totally worth it.  You can’t function properly if your cup is half full after all.

Learn to say no when you can, people won’t think any less of you and you will gain some time and energy back.

Look after yourself, if you are the one holding it all together and people are depending on you it’s more important then ever that you take good care of yourself.  Don’t resort to caffeine and sugar try and be conscious about what you are putting into your body.

I hope my ramblings have been of some use, just by writing a few things down I feel a bit more together myself.  Most things aren’t as bad a you think, look after yourselves and as always,

Stay Strong xxx