Tag: OCD

Everything OCD Related

OCD – Coping when you’re not 100%

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So when you’re feeling on top of the world it can be relatively easy to stay on top of your mental health as well but what happens when something out of your control comes along and knocks you sideways, how are you supposed to cope?

I wouldn’t be surprised if a considerable number of people suffering from mental health issues have some sort of other health issue as well.  I personally have ulcerative colitis and I know when it flares up it definitely becomes tougher to hang onto that positive attitude which is so important in mental health recovery.

If you’re feeling generally tired/low it can be hard to find the energy to eat well, exercise or go out and see people.  If you’re unwell you might not even be able to do these things for yourself at all and through no fault of your own you can start to spiral downwards.  This has happened to me on a number of occasions and it really can turn into a vicious cycle if you’re not careful.

I feel low –  I eat badly – my stomach problems flare up –  I feel lower –  I don’t want to go anywhere – etc etc

and so I spiral down and down and the weight of it all just starts to devour me.

I’ve also learnt recently with my research into serotonin that digestive issues can effect the absorption of serotonin into the body.  So during a bad ulcerative colitis flare up this could be another factor affecting my mood and therefore recovery which I hadn’t considered before.  Looking after yourself is so important, particularly what you eat – but I realise not always easy.

So if you’re unwell and unable to get out and do all the usual fixes – exercise, socialising, etc what do you do to keep/get yourself back on track?

Well I definitely think it’s worthwhile having a think about this sort of situation before it actually occurs – if you can of course – and getting a plan of action in place.  Have a think about what you enjoy doing that is possible in the house, here are a few ideas:

  • Invite someone round
  • Phone someone who you enjoy talking to
  • Watch your favourite series
  • Read a favourite/new book
  • Listen to music/podcasts/audio books
  • Use a mindfulness app
  • If you’re creative you could draw/write/blog
  • Do your very best to avoid high sugar, quick fix foods such as takeaways, alcohol and caffeine.

If you have less time to plan and something has literally come from nowhere – maybe you’ve broken your leg – then try not to panic.  You may be fine, try to be calm and think about how you can set things up to work for you.  Long periods alone can be pretty tough to deal with for anyone but incredibly difficult for people with mental health problems, especially when you’re trying to process pain/discomfort as well.

Try to fill the time productively if you can, this always makes me feel more positive and like I’ve achieved something.  Accept that you will probably have low points but that they will pass.

Remember recovery is an ongoing process, some days will be better than others.  Maybe you could blog about your experience, get it all out.  This can be incredibly cathartic and no one else has to read it, it can just be for you.  If you do want to share your story perhaps it will help someone else in the same situation. Now that will definitely make you feel good.

As always, Stay Strong xxx

 

Pure O

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So here we are with another OCD classification, there really are a whole world of subcategories aren’t there but you know when you’re suffering from OCD you probably have no idea about which subcategory you fall under and actually it’s not hugely important.  OCD can actually morph as well, when I was younger I had a lot of physical compulsions but nowadays 99% of my OCD would be classed as ‘Pure O’ I guess.

Pure O is when your OCD is internalised and you don’t really have any compulsions.  I would guess it’s more common in adults (though I have no evidence to support this) than children as I would say adults are generally more socially aware and better at hiding things, especially over time.

It’s also potentially a more dangerous form of the disorder as well, as if someone is particularly practised at hiding it, you can have no idea they have it and that person can suffer in silence for years and probably will, as if they’ve gone to such extreme levels to hide the thoughts then they’re probably ashamed of them.

So how can you tell if someone is suffering from ‘Pure O’?  I think my biggest tell was always mood swings, if a thought hit me that I couldn’t shake I would become quite withdrawn but if this wasn’t possible for a some reason then I would get very touchy as trying to rationalise a thought while trying to behave ‘normally’ is well, impossible to be honest.

People will not want to just open up and tell you what they’re thinking if it’s already causing a massive level of distress.  To get someone out of one of these episodes is tough.  Thoughts can take hold for days, weeks, months sometimes.  I’ve had to  come home from holidays in the past because I just can’t break out of the spiral and have been unable to go out or do anything,

OCD can be so terrifying and at times like these suicidal thoughts are not far from your mind, anything to stop the thoughts and associated anxiety!

So that was all a bit dark, sorry about that but I wanted to try and get across to anyone reading this who’s not suffering from OCD how scary it can be.  I’ve purposefully not put any of my personal thoughts in there so as not to trigger anything for anyone.

Different people find different ways of breaking out of ‘Pure O’, for me it has been a mixture of things.  Something that really helped me initially was talking to my CBT councillor.  Just by voicing the thoughts out loud and to see her completely non judgemental face sitting opposite me was amazing.  Thoughts I couldn’t even bear to think of, she just confirmed were completely normal – what a revelation!

I had a course of CBT therapy, I haven’t spoken much about CBT on this blog so far, personally for me it didn’t work.  Now I don’t want to bad mouth it in any way as I know it’s helped a huge amount of people but for me it just wasn’t the right method.

Some things that have helped me are:

  • Mindfulness, amazing!  Not the deep meditation sort but the bringing your mind back to the present moment sort.
  • Distraction – best thing ever
  • Structure, work and routine – has saved me on numerous occasions.
  • Socialising – interacting with others and not being stuck in your own thoughts, never underestimate how important this is.
  • The knowledge that the thought will eventually pass – even though sometimes it feels like it will never, ever go and actually the thought itself may not but your anxiety levels will.  I still get intrusive thoughts daily but everyone does – it is ‘normal’, never forget that, they’re not going to disappear you will just be able to dismiss them more easily.
  • Take good care of yourself and like yourself – I seem to say this one a lot but it’s so true and I seem to constantly need reminding of it myself!
  • Don’t drink the thoughts anyway, this is a short term fix which DOES NOT WORK!!!!!!
  • Talk to someone!  Remember you are not alone, someone else is probably having the same thought as you right this second and suffering in silence as well – how annoying is that – if only you knew and you could reach out to them, you could both laugh about it together, please talk to someone if you can.

 

Opening a conversion with someone who has OCD

If you think you know someone who may be suffering and you’re not sure how to start a conversion with them then offer them an indirect opportunity to talk, sometimes this can be easier for people, something like:

  • ‘I’ve been reading this amazing blog/book/article recently about OCD……….’
  • ‘Have you seen that celebrity_________ she/he has been talking about their OCD………’
  • ‘My ______ has recently told me they’ve been suffering from OCD, I’m so glad they opened up to me, now they’re getting help’

All these approaches are not direct and allow the person to open up a conversion more easily if they feel they want to talk.  Speaking from experience if someone says to me, ‘how are you?’ the automatic response is normally ‘I’m fine’, when sometimes that’s not the case.

Sending love to all today, I know it can be so tough

Stay Strong xxx

 

Taking on too much

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Now this is something that most of us probably do a lot of the time but it is very important, especially when you’re recovering from a mental health problem to try to put yourself first.  This isn’t always easy when you have a family but you have to remember that if you’re not 100% then your family will suffer too.

Taking on too much can cover a wide variety of things from work related stresses to other people’s problems.  Whatever you’re doing always try to get your recovery and wellbeing at the forefront of your mind and if that means you have to be a little selfish from time to time then you what, that’s fine.

If you have a friend who just sucks all the energy from you because all they do is moan then don’t see them so often.  If you know people are taking advantage of your good nature by asking too much of you then talk to them, say you haven’t got the time/energy, they probably don’t even realise they’re doing it.

It is OK to be a bit selfish at times and do a few things for just you.  I know as a mum you are always putting everyone else first and your needs seems to come right at the bottom of the list, if at all but it is important to try as mental health problems can spiral out of control very quickly.

Something I’ve been doing a lot recently is not eating well enough.  I make sure my little boy has the best food, homemade and full of goodness and then I find myself eating his scraps or having made nothing for myself at all.  I am so concerned he should eat well – as I know how important that is – but then I don’t do the same for myself!

Then what I find is mid-afternoon I have no energy and I get tired and grumpy and ill more often – I seem to have endless colds at the moment – and this is because I am not caring for myself the way I know I should.  I did comment on this a couple of blogs back – OCD Letting things slip – but if I’m honest I don’t know if I’m doing any better recently.

So once again, a note to myself – and anyone else in a similar position – to take better care of myself and that it’s not selfish to do that.

Stay Strong xxx

 

 

Magical Thinking – OCD

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It feels weird to actually put proper names to things which have been part of me for so long.  ‘Magical thinking OCD’ is, I think one of the hardest parts of OCD for someone without it to understand.  For someone with ‘Magical thinking OCD’ it is one of the most terrifying parts, there is no rhyme or reason to it.  You are aware as someone with OCD experiencing the thoughts that they are completely irrational but the feelings inside our so strong you can’t take the chance.

With a very quick google this definition came up, which for those who don’t have ‘Magical thinking OCD’ I thought summed it up quite well:

” Magical thinking is an illogical thought pattern characterized by the linking of unrelated actions or events. Individuals may become preoccupied with lucky or unlucky numbers, colours, words, actions, sayings or superstitions and link them to catastrophe or ‘bad things’ that might happen”

I have had lots of these ‘magical thoughts’ over the years.  I hated the colour red (blood, contamination etc) and certain words like AIDS (still hard to even write it here).  I have also had massive issues with the ‘finalisation’ of things.  Such as thoughts associated with leaving somewhere for the last time (maybe a holiday cottage) or clicking the ‘buy’ button online, as if a horrible thought comes into my head whilst I was doing it, such as: ‘You’re going to die from cancer’ then because I can’t repeat the action (compulsion) it creates anxiety and all the associated OCD baggage.

Over the years it has made doing almost anything particularly stressful and taken the pleasure out of pretty much everything.  Wedding dress shopping, venue picking, holidays, travel, work, driving, well everything.

It is one of the hardest aspects of OCD to kick and it’s one of the most embarrassing to talk about because you know in your heart of hearts that the thoughts are irrational but you just can’t get your mind to believe that.

Ultimately magical thinking is just another way of us not being able to accept and sit with uncertainty.  There will be certain themes which you find distressing and OCD will spot a weakness and pounce.  It is just another way to occupy your thoughts and cause you distress.  A lot of the time I think magical thinking catches us because it can seem easier in the moment to just do the compulsion – whatever it may be – but ultimately the brain just thinks the compulsion solved the issue and so the next time we find ourselves in the same situation again, up pops the magical thought and the urge to do the compulsion, because hey, last time we did the compulsion and it worked.

The only way through this one is to not do the compulsion and sit with the uncertainty, in fact you need to willingly accept the uncertainty to really let the brain know it’s, ‘all good’, and that there’s nothing to be concerned about.

Why not try out: ‘Thanks brain that’s exactly the thought I wanted right now’, the next time it throws the magical thought your way.

The more you let the thoughts be, the easier it becomes every time.  Even though the thoughts still come, you will be able to dismiss them quicker and quicker and an hour later you won’t even remember the thought you had, hard to believe I know but this is true.

Ironically just not doing anything can feel like the biggest mountain to climb, as humans we like to do and fix and sort problems but really with OCD and anxiety too we just have to sit with and accept that uncomfortable feeling.

Know that completing the compulsion will have ZERO effect on whether a thought happens or not.  We cannot make things happen with our thoughts, we are not magical.

You could sit there and think about winning the lottery but my guess is it won’t happen unless you actively go out and buy a ticket and even then.  You cannot manifest things you don’t want either, with manifesting you have to want the thing, badly and actively pursue it. The distress the thought causes you is all the proof you should need that this is not the case.

Sit with it, accept it, be OK with uncertainty.  

and Relax, nothing is under control.

You can do this!

Stay strong xxx

OCD – Letting Things Slip

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Recently I seem to have let things get on top of me a bit, life has been so busy and I caught a few bugs over the winter period which have set me back a bit.

OCD recovery is a very delicate balance, it is really important not to take your eye off the ball but if you do it can start to slip before you really notice.

So the results of not feeling great and having less time have been that I’ve:

  • Eaten more junk food
  • Exercised less
  • Not worked on my mindfulness
  • Not given myself any time

All of this has resulted in my anxiety levels rising and my motivation to get out and do things falling.

So now I’ve noticed that this is happening (yes, I didn’t notice straight away) what can I do to get myself back on track?

  • Well the first thing I’am doing is writing this blog post, hopefully this will really help me pay attention and take action.
  • I am going to make a conscious effort not to reach for the snack food first and up my fruit, veg and general healthy food intake.
  • Get out at least once a day in the fresh air and try and do it mindfully.
  • I am going to try and carve out some time for myself, this one is hard when you have a family but I really do think it is important, after all if you’re not on top form how can you give the rest of your family 100%.

One really important thing to remember not to do (and which I am currently telling myself) is beat yourself up for slipping.  It happens to us all, recovery is not a straight line, the important thing is to notice and get yourself back on track asap.

So a bit of a post for me this week, hopefully it might help someone else too, perhaps I can add writing more inspirational blog posts to my targets too!

For now please bear with me you wonderful people and as always,

Stay Strong xxx

 

OCD – Coming out of the Lows

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Nowadays this is something I’m finding a little easier.  As you get stronger and better at dealing with your OCD you also start to know that the low days will pass and that you will feel happier again.  It’s not always easy to believe it when you’re in the depths of a low, I know that for sure but I also know it to be true.

Over the years I’ve had long periods where I’ve felt I’ll never feel happy again, I couldn’t see ways out of the thoughts and when I’d get over one another would come swooping in and take me down again.  How I got through this part I’m really not sure, I think I spent a lot of my late teens and early twenties in quite a depressed state which I self medicated myself through with alcohol.  I had rubbish job after rubbish job which I didn’t seem to be able to lift myself out of and I just didn’t look after myself in anyway.  In fact I am sitting here now thinking; how did I pull myself up and out?

It definitely wasn’t an overnight fix and I definitely think it coincided with meeting my now husband.  He gave me something worth fighting for (might sound a bit lame but in all honesty it’s true).  He valued me and so I started to value myself more, no one else had ever done that in the same way.  I have to say this was only the starting point though, I still got a lot of dark periods.  When you’re feeling low the world can feel pointless, everything can feel dark and you just want to curl up and block out everything.

So how do I pull myself out now?  I have to say I don’t have the massive lows as often anymore but when they do come it’s always good to have a go to plan, so here’s my attempt at one, which can hopefully help you guy’s too.

So depending on how low you feel the options may vary a bit but here goes:

  • If you can get out of the house – fresh air and socialising are really important
  • If that’s too much write a list of all the things you have to be grateful for; health, family, friends, the roof over your head, food in your stomach, re-read it whenever you feel low.
  • Watch a feel good movie
  • Talk to a close friend/family member, if they’re free see if they can come over
  • Find someone who will give you a hug – this always feels good
  • If you have an animal pet it, this I am told helps to release feel good hormones and reduce stress
  • If this isn’t the first time you’ve experienced a low then remember that you do come out of these periods.  If it is your first one, trust that it does pass.
  • If you’re feeling like you can’t cope, talk to a medical professional.
  • Treat yourself to something you enjoy, always treat yourself with compassion.

If you are a friend or family member looking for advice on how to support someone going through a low this can be tough but always persevere they need you so much, even if they’re not showing it (which they probably won’t be).

I hope some of these things can help, they’re just my personal list and like I have said before I am not a medical professional, just someone recovering and trying to share something that may help someone else.

Stay Strong, you are not alone xxx

 

OCD – Procrastination

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Now I’ve been dealing with my OCD demons for a fair few years now (over 20!) and although I feel I’ve gotten to grips with them to a certain extent, I know if I really look at my life that they still hold me back in many areas.

I have, I believe, reached a sort of plateau or ‘comfy place’ in my life and though this isn’t necessarily a bad thing – to have a steady job, relationship and social life – it does make it quite easy to just coast along.  Never having to step outside of my comfort zone means some of my OCD ‘fears’ can just be left and never confronted so to speak.  It also means that when something does come along where I do need to step out of my comfort zone – say I have to drive somewhere new/faraway –  normally my first reaction is to feel anxious and think of all the things that could go wrong, catastrophize.

Another side effect of my ‘comfy zone’ is that I never seem to get anything unessential done, things are only sorted when they have to be, rather then when they should be and therefore normally done in a rush and without much thought.  I believe this stems partly from my fear of making decisions.  Final decisions can have OCD thoughts associated with them and so cause me anxiety, therefore I avoid them where I can, naughty, naughty I know.

I feel I do get overwhelmed quickly and it doesn’t take much for me to start spiralling out of control, it definitely makes achieving things tricky.  It can also make me lazy, if I can pass a decision/activity on to someone else then normally I will, not good for OCD recovery I know and ultimately very frustrating for me.

So less of my moaning anyway, lets see if I can try and implement some solutions rather then posing endless problems.

My overall aims are to become more confident, to not let anxiety be the first thing to hit me when trying something new, to find solutions rather than problems and tackle my OCD head on and not avoid it.

  • I think I might start with a list, by writing down all the things I have been putting off/avoiding and then finding a way to tackle them one at a time it will feel less overwhelming and more manageable.
  • It would also help to see new experiences as exciting rather than scary, after all if we never do anything new how do we learn/progress?
  • I should have more confidence and believe myself worthy of new experiences.
  • I should try and get to the route cause of what is causing the anxiety and tackle it head on.
  • Remember that uncertainty is a good thing, would we want to be certain about everything?  There is a good exercise for dealing with uncertainty here.
  • Looking towards end goals and achievements will help to spur me on.
  • Accepting the worse case scenarios so I have nothing to fear.

Wow, so that’s quite a list.  Even the list itself feels a bit overwhelming to be honest but by just trying to take one step at a time hopefully I will start to achieve more of my goals.

Hopefully it can help you too.

Stay Strong xxx

 

OCD – The Grey Area

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I have recently been exploring the OCD community a bit more.  Looking out for new resources and ideas for continued recovery is always a good idea.  In the past I’ve been quite scared of other OCD blogs and forums as I have had times where I’ve just been reading about other peoples OCD thoughts and experiences and this has sometimes made my OCD worse – not what I went looking for.  However as I’ve gotten stronger my curiosity about who else is out there, fighting the OCD battle has been piqued so to say.

Today I was listening to a podcast from the OCD stories website, a fantastic resource which I would definitely recommend.  It was episode 104 of their podcast and something that Dr Elizabeth McIngvale said that really struck me.  She said ‘OCD isn’t black and white’.  Wow I thought, now this can be applied to OCD on so many levels.

I think when you have OCD you do think about a lot of things as being black and white, especially if you catastrophise things.  Always jumping to the worst outcome and blocking out any other possibilities, OCD feeds off your darkest fears – definitely black.  So if we can remember to pull back when a thought hits and remember that life is actually made up of lots of shades of grey rather then extremes then this could help to lessen the strength of the thought.

Another time when it’s easy to think of things in black and white – when you really shouldn’t (which was also touched on in the podcast) is through your recovery.  One bad day or compulsion which you give into, does not mean you’re back to square one.  Be calm about it, take note of why it happened, do something about it if you can and then move on. Don’t feel guilty or upset, just let it go.  Easier said then done I realise but the less time you give the thought to begin with, the easier it will just slip away, never to return.

It can be easy to want OCD to vanish completely and for some people I believe it does but an acceptance of the fact that you may sit in the grey area for ever is important and that that’s actually ok.  Afterall it’s ‘normal’ to have intrusive thoughts, it’s just your ability to process them that is the issue.

I believe it’s really important to keep in mind that one in four people at any one time is suffering from some sort of mental health issue and so you are more normal then you think.  We, most of us are floating along in the grey area which always makes me feel less alone.

Stay Strong xxx

OCD – Food

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The title ‘Food’ probably sounds all a bit random but for me if has been one of my long standing OCD ‘issues’ which annoyingly I’m STILL fighting to this day.

Over the years some of my OCD intrusive thoughts and habits have become really ingrained in me and they’re so annoyingly hard to crack, argh!  Driving is one of them – so many variations on one theme – and food is definitely another.  There are just so many different ways that you can obsess over food.

It’s hard to give examples without going down the rabbit hole (which I promised not to do on this site) but just as a couple of random samples (please feel free to skip over the next two paragraphs if you feel this could trigger your OCD):

1: Today for instance (hence what prompted this post) when I came to open the meat I was using to make a stew the top of the packet was slightly loose.  Now I’m more then aware this probably happened when I was getting it out of the freezer and that it’s absolutely fine but that didn’t stop my intrusive thoughts going off on all kind of possibilities about how the meat might not have been sealed properly when it was packed and all manor of bacteria etc etc might have gotten in, blah blah blah.

2: The other day I threw an entire meal in the bin because I had burnt it slightly and I just couldn’t get past it.

Right examples over I promise, I will not share anymore of my intrusive thoughts. 

Needless to say this has been a real issue for me over the years and still is.  I think it has been harder since I have been cooking for my little boy as well.  It makes fighting the thoughts even trickier as I’m not just saying ‘I don’t mind eating burnt food’, I also have to justify in my head serving it to the most important person in my life, this makes things really hard.

So last week I failed and the entire meal went in the bin – not for the first time I’m sad to say.  I cringe at the waste when there are people in this world with hardly anything.  I get annoyed at myself for giving into the OCD again.  It makes me sad that something I should enjoy – cooking – I now find quite stressful.

So today I didn’t give in and I cooked and ate the stew.  I battled my intrusive thoughts for half the day as a result but I am proud that I did – as hard as it was.  Will I be able to fight it next time, I don’t know but I will keep fighting and maybe one day the thoughts won’t even come and I won’t have to fight it at all, now that’s something to aim for.

Stay Strong xxx

OCD – Unexpected Events

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So these are always fun.  You’ve been coping nicely with your OCD and you think you have everything under control and then bam, out of nowhere, something unexpected happens.

This happened to me this week, it snowed and we got loads of the stuff.  Normally this would be an event for celebration as it would mean, time off work, lots of fun to be had, perfect bliss but when you have a 1 year old who has only just learnt to walk and isn’t terribly keen on walking in 6 plus inches of snow and you can’t get your car off the drive then you are faced with a potentially stressful situation.

Most people who have suffered from some sort of mental health issue will know that getting out, even if it’s just for a walk is very important.  Being stuck in with only 4 walls as your friends can be unwise and so I’ve got to say the last 5 days have really tested me.

My normal routine (something that helps keep me grounded) was thrown out of the window.  My food shopping delivery was cancelled twice and so I’ve had to improvise there as well, working on limited supplies and having to adapt to new food brands and shops (as anyone with OCD will know familiar things bring calmness).

You know what though, I have survived and I have been able to adapt and so what I should draw from the last 5 days is that I am more adaptable now then I have ever been.  Even by writing that statement I am now looking back more positively on the last 5 days.  My perspective has been changed and so maybe this is the lesson I should pull from this experience.

Everything we go through teaches us something.   If we can look back on past events and try and find a positive lesson from the experience rather then a negative one, then maybe our memories will be more positive and we will look back happily instead of negatively.  I personally don’t have many good memories, most of them are tainted by OCD but perhaps I can now reflect back and see if I can put a positive slant on them?

Hopefully this can help you too, try and see the positive lesson from a bad OCD experience/memory.

Stay Strong xxx