Tag: OCD

My own company

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Now this is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember, I really do dislike being on my own and having to sit with my own thoughts, eeek!  In fact I’ve realised recently that I talk out loud to myself all the time and I think it’s partly so I don’t have to listen to my own thoughts and partly so I can separate the important thoughts from the jumble that is my own brain.

I find everything feels a bit more scary when I’m on my own, my anxiety is heightened and I catastrophize constantly, it’s also much harder to just dismiss negative thoughts.  For me this is a working progress and I do believe I’m better at it then I used to be but man I’ve got a long way to go.

So once again I don’t have a nice quick fix for this either, hummm.  I expect if I asked an expert they’d tell me I have to face it and just sit with the thoughts, feelings and inner ramblings.  Maybe eventually something more positive would start to come out?

I think when you have OCD intrusive thoughts it’s incredibly difficult to like yourself and therefore your thoughts, I think the version of yourself you see is completely different to the one everyone else sees and so you can’t understand why other people like you at all and you actually have no idea what they think of you.  Maybe they see more of the real you then you do, the you without OCD – if like me you have Pure O – now that’s a mind blowing thought!

So of course I must work harder on my self love and try to see all of the positives instead of the negatives.  I must push myself to do the things I know make me feel well mentally:

  • Get enough sleep
  • Do exercise
  • Eat well
  • Remove caffeine and alcohol
  • Remove any negative people who make me question my self worth from my social circle
  • Write a list of positives to read when struggling
  • Continue to write my blog
  • Appreciate all the beautiful things I have in my life
  • Live mindfully

So this is my little lecture to myself today to give myself that extra push that I know sometimes we all need.  Recovery is a marathon and not a sprint and boy don’t I know it, so until next time

Stay Strong xxx

 

 

Talking is only the beginning

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I’ve been quite open about my OCD for a few years now and it is definitely a nice feeling to know I don’t have to hide it anymore, it’s also given friends an opportunity to come to me if they’re struggling as they know I won’t judge them and I’ll understand which is nice.

I do find however that talking and understanding are two completely different things, maybe I’m expecting too much from people who sometimes have never even heard of OCD?  I think I hoped once people knew, they would then understand why say sometimes it’s hard for me to go places, drive long distances and generally be out of my comfort zone however peoples expectations of me are still as high as ever and when I remind them of my OCD there’s almost a bit of pressure for me to ‘just get over it already’.

This has just been my experience of late and I don’t suppose it applies everywhere but in general I have found if something doesn’t effect someone directly then they tend to forget about it pretty quickly and I suppose that’s human natures way of coping with the information overload we get on a daily basis, the brain just can’t hold it all in.

So I suppose it’s down to me to keep the conversation going and to try and educate the people close to me as best I can.  OCD in particular I think is very hard for anyone who isn’t suffering with it to try to understand.  Superstitions has always been the nearest I’ve been able to get, you don’t really know why you do them but if you don’t that ‘Oh my god is something bad going to happen to me’ feeling doesn’t leave you for a good while.  Randomly I don’t do any superstitions, I see them as OCD intrusive thoughts and therefore I have treated them in the same way and ignored them.

I really feel it is so important to keep the OCD conversation going, awareness is so important, especially for young people who may not of heard of OCD and won’t understand what is happening to them – this was me for 7 years!!  My OCD has shaped my entire life and when I look back at the 11 year old me I feel quite sad as I know she has such a long and pretty dark journey ahead of her.

I realise this has been a bit of a mind dump but I hope it has made some sense and will give anyone struggling with OCD a really good reason to keep talking about it.

Stay Strong xxx

Mental Health after pregnancy

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So I’ve just checked and it’s been a fair old while since I’ve posted on here.  I’m disappointed because this blog is really important to me but I’ve decided to be kind and forgive myself as the reason is I’ve just had no time to focus on it.  I have a newborn who seems to be allergic to sleep and therefore I’m trying to catch up with that in any free time I get!  My sleep is really important to my mental well being and therefore it comes first.

So shes currently having nap so I thought I’d go for it and see if I can manage to get to the end of a post.

So newborns and mental health, where to start?  This is my second child and so I knew a little of what to expect this time around but it still takes a massive toll on your mental and physical health no matter who you are and so if you’re someone already suffering from a mental health issue then it can really throw you off track.

I’ve found control and structure to be so important in my mental health recovery, things such as: eating well, getting enough sleep, socialising, exercise and routine are so important to incorporate into my daily life and when you have a newborn (and in my case a toddler as well) your self care can really go out of the window.  Some things for me have slipped this time around (this blog included) and at times it has been tough.  She still wakes up 3/4 times a night (at 7 months!) and an extended period of time with broken sleep can really takes it’s toll on, well, pretty much everything.  I am lucky that I have a lot of support from family but even so there have been days where I’ve just had to push myself through with will power.

There is a good side to all the madness though (and this is something I would never have believed prior to having children) and that is that I’m so busy that I don’t have time to dwell on OCD thoughts at all.  They come into my head and I honestly don’t think of them again, there just isn’t time.  I have never known anything better at grounding me then my children.  Yes there are other mental issues I am processing such as my anxiety and worry but I almost feel like they are slightly more ‘normal’, everyone seems to have some sort of worry/anxiety and so I don’t feel quite as abnormal for having them.  They’re still completely rubbish but I find other people are able to relate more easily to them and so when you’re chatting about them you don’t get the blank faces where someone is trying to understand why you think you ran over something on the way to meet them and have then completely forgotten about it, stupid intrusive thoughts!

Anyway, I have still been noting a few ideas down over the last few months so hopefully I can manage to write a bit more regularly now.  If anyone has any requests for information on coping strategies or OCD topics or pregnancy or post natal related OCD then I am more then happy to share my experiences so just say in the comments.

but for now,

Stay Strong xxx

 

 

Hello 2019

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Happy New Year all, did we all have a good festive period?  I always think it’s a rather odd time of year to be honest, all routine goes out of the window, people eat too much, drink too much and generally loose control.

For people with a mental illness who require routine to stay stable this can be really hard.  I have two children now which requires you keep some routine but in the past this time of year has been difficult for me, particularly new year, I would go as far as to say new years eve is the worst day of the year for me.

My OCD has always had a strong connection to endings, – if I have an intrusive thought when something is about to happen for the last time, maybe I’m about to click the ‘buy’ button online, leave a holiday cottage for the last time or the end/beginning of a new year then of course this thought is going to come true – go figure.  This has always been a big one for me and over the years I’ve become better at ignoring it but it’s hard!

The festive time can be amazing for some people but I know for others it can be incredibly hard, breaks in routine, long periods of time possibly on your own and lots of alcohol just to compound it all.  I hope it hasn’t been too rough for you all.

I’ve found my OCD creeping back in here and there over the last few weeks, changes in circumstances can bring new intrusive thoughts which can catch you off guard.  After you’ve had OCD for over 20 years – man that stat sucks – there’s not that many new things your brain can throw at you day to day but change your circumstances a bit, say have a baby and new situations/thoughts can arrive and you’re not always as equipped to deal with them.  Now I already have one child so this time around I’ve been a bit better but there’s still the odd thing that can catch you off guard.  I’m just trying to take one day at a time at the moment and not be too hard on myself.

So this all feels like I’m rambling but this blog has actually become a sort of therapy in itself for me – oddly I really didn’t see that coming when I started it – just by letting all the junk in my mind out it starts to make more sense and rationalise what is an anxious mess in my head.

I really hope it can be of some use to someone else too but whatever happens it is helping me!

Here’s to a good 2019 – if it hasn’t started off as well as you’d hoped like mine then don’t worry, you can start each day a fresh it doesn’t have to be a new year.

Stay Strong xxx

 

OCD – Coping Strategies

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So this appears to be one of the main searches that brings people to my site – not too surprising I suppose – so because of this I felt like it deserved it’s own post.  It does feel like a pretty big topic to be honest and I guess for everyone the answers will be slightly different.  There are a few different types of OCD and what will be a trigger for some people won’t be for others.  I guess ultimately none of us want to just cope with OCD we want to conquer it but for now here are a few things I’ve learnt along the way.

Lets start with a few facts

  • Believe and know that EVERYONE has intrusive thoughts.
  • People with OCD intrusive thoughts do not act on them EVER!
  • You are not a bad person for having these thoughts, the fact that they repulse you/that you fear them actually means completely the opposite – that you are a good person.
  • A thought cannot hurt you

1. Talk to someone, anyone (even if it’s yourself initially)

Counselling was so useful to me, talking through my intrusive thoughts and realising just by saying them out loud that they lost some power straight away.  Saying them to someone else and expecting a huge reaction only to be met with a normal expression was a complete revelation to me, what had I been worrying about all those years?  Medical professionals have seen it all before, you might think you’re the only one having these OCD thoughts but I promise you you’re not.

It can take some time to build up the courage to seek medical help, for me it took over 10 years but the sooner you go for it, the sooner your recovery can start.

2. Take one day at a time

Unfortunately OCD recovery is not a quick fix, you will need to take it one day at a time and it won’t be a straight line, there will be set backs but each time it will be a little easier to get back to where you were, always be kind to yourself, you’re only human after all.

3. Be mindful

Mindfulness is something which is fantastic for grounding you.  When you feel the anxiety starting to build and you feel trapped in a thought try to take yourself out of the situation (if you can safely) and breathe deeply, focus on something in the room and try to describe it to yourself, what does it look like, feel like, smell like etc

4.  Don’t spend time alone

One of the worst things you can do is sit in on your own trying to diffuse the thought.  Don’t even think about touching google, giving the thought time will only give it more power over you.  The best thing you can do is give your mate a call and get out the house.  Unable to do that then put a movie on, sing to a favourite piece of music, just don’t give that thought anymore of your time, I promise you, it won’t help!

5. Don’t be self destructive 

It’s very easy when you have a mental illness to want to try and escape it in any way you can. For most people this will mean alcohol, drugs, sex – anything really that gives you some short term relief.  Unfortunately these activities will not make the problem go away and in fact will probably make them worse.

6. Look after yourself

Eat well and exercise when you can, the body is a machine and you need to take care of it for it to work properly.  If you have a bad day then let it go and don’t allow yourself to spiral, no body is perfect.

7. Stop looking for normal

I really hate the word normal, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist to be honest.  Stop striving for something that is not achievable and just aim for the things that make you feel happy and content, this is your normal.

8. Be careful what you watch

This can be anything from the news to social media.  If you are someone who’s mood is massively affected by watching the news – I know mine is – or by looking at other peoples ‘perfect lives’ on Instagram or Facebook then don’t look, or give yourself a cut off – no social media after 9pm.  Most of it isn’t real anyway and they could be just as unhappy as you are.

Wow I really could rant on and on I think but unfortunately I’m out of time!  It really is tricky to find half an hour at the moment with looking after a baby (who’s currently sleeping) but I hope the above list can be of some help to you, perhaps I’ll try and do a part two next month if there’s enough interest but for now

Stay Strong xxx

 

 

Conquering OCD on Instagram

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So more recently I’ve been finding it tough to find the time to write complete blog posts.  Having a newborn and a toddler life is pretty full on, however this has been getting to me as I think it’s so important to keep the conversation going.

Therefore I have opened an Instagram account, I’m hoping it will be easier to post pics and tips rather than write whole posts.  The blog isn’t going anywhere, there will just be less regular posts until I have more time to dedicate to it in the future.  Please follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/conqueringocd/  I am so grateful for all your continued support.

Stay Strong xxx

OCD – Knowing who you are

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This is something I’ve struggled with for years and years as a result of my OCD.  When a mental illness has taken over your brain and life so completely, it’s hard to know who the real person in there actually is.

Is my OCD part of who I am or am I someone who happens to have OCD?  Do I accept that OCD will always be part of who I am or do try to work out who I would be if it wasn’t there?  Is that even obtainable?

In all honestly I really don’t know if I can separate myself completely from my OCD.  It truly has been a constant in my life for so long and even now when I can dismiss the thoughts I still have to push myself outside of my comfort zone on a daily basis with things such as socialising, driving, shopping, in fact most things which you would classify as ‘normal’ activities because of my anxiety, which is a result of my OCD.

So who is the normal me?  Who am I actually?  The person who wants to stay in or the person who forces themselves to go out?  So much of my life feels a struggle that I really have no idea – I laugh.

I feel incredibly lucky with my home life, I have an incredibly supportive husband and two beautiful children who keep me so busy that mostly I don’t have time to think about this question too much and perhaps that is when I truly am being my real self.  I just wish I could show that person to the rest of the world.

I feel like I’ve rambled quite a bit here but hopefully it’s made sense.  I think I made a mini breakthrough at the end, funny how by writing things down you can sometimes answer your own questions.

So if you’re like me and struggling to separate yourself from the OCD then maybe sit and think about the places you are most at peace and feel most happy, this is probably the version of yourself you are most comfortable with and would most like to be.

Sending positive thoughts to you all on what is world kindness day – a day late I realise!

Stay Strong xxx

OCD – Control

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Firstly a little apology that this post has been a while in the making, a newborn really does make getting things done tricky at times!

Something that is particularly hard for me  – I think I have mentioned it before in previous posts – is staying in control of my OCD when life events don’t allow you to control everything.  I can only speak of my personal experience but for me knowing what is coming next – although potentially a little boring at times – allows me to stay calm.

I think we all know life isn’t always predictable and so how can we prepare for the times when it throws us a curve ball?

Recently I’ve seen the return of my UC (Ulcerative colitis) which is an autoimmune disease.  Very conveniently it goes away during pregnancy but I’m now 8 weeks post pregnancy and it’s starting to return.  I’m feeling tired already and this reoccurrence – although not completely unexpected – has taken it’s toll on my positive outlook and energy levels.

Trying to stay positive and calm when you’re feeling under the weather is extra tough as it can seem unfair and motivation to do anything can be low.  When it’s just a cold there is an end in sight but with a long term condition it can be hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.  However it is important to try, particularly when you have people relying on you.

The last couple of weeks I’ve had to have some little talks with myself and reflect back on some of my previous blog posts to remember all the things I need to do to stay in control of my OCD.

Normally one of the first things I like to do when I’m feeling low is to get out of the house – four walls are not your friend – however this isn’t always possible when you’re feeling poorly.  If it’s not possible to get out then do what you can to improve your mental outlook.  If you can:

  • Open a window to let in some fresh air
  • Turn on the lights, potentially invest in a SAD lamp which helps with seasonal affective disorder – I am particularly sensitive to light.
  • Take a multi vitamin to give yourself a boost
  • Make sure you’re eating well and drinking enough water
  • Get your head phones in and listen to some of your favourite tunes
  • Call a friend or family member and have a chat or even better get them to come over
  • Try to avoid alcohol, smoking and caffeine
  • Make sure you’re getting enough sleep but not staying in bed all day
  • Try to have a shower and get dressed
  • Look at online blogs where people are in similar positions to yourself, this can make you feel a lot less alone.
  • If you can do some exercise
  • Write a thankful list of 5 things to be grateful for.  This can help to refocus your mind onto positives rather than negatives.
  • Use mindfulness and meditation.

There are so many things you can do to keep yourself on the right path but at the core of it all you have to want it, even in the toughest of times never loose your focus.

and of course, as always,

Stay Strong xxx

 

OCD – During and Post Pregnancy

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So I’ve not posted for a few weeks, life has been a bit hectic as I’ve just had another baby and it hasn’t left much time for anything!

If you’d told me 5 years ago that I would have two babies now I probably wouldn’t have believed you.  I have come so far with my recovery over the last few years but still my OCD tries to bring me down daily and I have to keep strong and battle it constantly.  It is exhausting and having a baby definitely intensifies it.

I believe this pregnancy was easier then the first, there weren’t so many thoughts that floored me the way they did the first time around.  Possibly this was because I had less time to focus on the pregnancy with looking after my little boy but also I had a bit of experience on my side this time around.

Pregnancy and looking after a baby heightens everything: stress, hormones, fatigue all with less time for self care, eating well and exercise.  For anyone dealing with a mental health issue you will know how important all these things are to stay on track.  I believe I said the last time I blogged about pregnancy that I could understand how some mental health issues, such as Post natal depression, anxiety and OCD itself among others can actually be triggered by pregnancy let alone intensified by it.  It really is life changing in so many ways.

There have been a few things this time around which have caught me a bit off guard I’m sad to say, nothing too huge but enough to impact on my mood on occasion which I hate.  I can however still see that I’ve come a long way and when I do confront the thoughts rather then avoid them it does help so I have to remember that.

What advice would I give someone who has OCD and is struggling with pregnancy?  

  • Take one day at a time, one hour at a time if it helps (I still have to do this sometimes).
  • Don’t isolate yourself, except help and talk to people if you feel like you’re not coping
  • Remember that you’re definitely not alone, OCD in particular can make you feel very isolated, this is how it really gets under your skin, don’t let it.
  • If thoughts come to you when you’re up in the night don’t do anything with them until the morning.  The day can give everything a new perspective, if you can dismiss the thoughts altogether even better but definitely don’t tackle them in the middle of the night when everything seems worse.
  • If you can feel yourself getting stressed/anxious take a deep breath.  If you can safely remove yourself from the situation then do.  If that’s not possible try to ground yourself by being mindful about your surroundings.
  • Don’t beat yourself up, remember that no one finds this easy and if they tell you they do they’re probably lying or have a lot of help.

Hopefully some of this will help reassure anyone struggling with pregnancy related OCD and as always,

Stay Strong xxx

 

 

Never forget how far you’ve come!

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It’s so easy to give yourself a hard time!  I do it constantly, I’m definitely my own worst critic.  This week I was in the supermarket, it was really busy and I could feel the anxiety sitting there in my chest.  The car park was packed with people everywhere and inside wasn’t any better.

On top of the anxiety I then started getting frustrated with myself that small, normal day to day activities like shopping are still difficult and stressful for me.  Everyone else can do it, why can’t I, gurrrrr!

When I got home I had to sit down and remind myself that actually a couple of years ago I wouldn’t even of made it into the car park let alone the supermarket and actually I have come such a long way.  Even being able to recognise the anxiety and OCD thoughts when they are happening is progress.

Recovery is a marathon not a sprint (unfortunately), there will be set backs and days when we find it harder than others.  Always try and keep this in mind, never forget how far you’ve come, OCD is a bully and it won’t give up so you mustn’t either.

So how do you deal with these low points when they occur? 

I guess you have to be realistic, it is naive to think you’re not going to have bad days along the way and having a plan of action in place is key.

Always be kind to yourself and don’t catastrophise events/situations.

For me this week the shopping was something I had to get done, as we all know we have to face our anxieties head on and not run away from them.  I used breathing mostly to get through my anxiety on this occasion.  Deep breaths in and out to keep myself calm and relaxed.  I also took my time, I wasn’t in a rush so I took the opportunity to take a step back and think about what it was that was causing me to be so anxious.

The process for me on this occasion was more about getting through the shopping trip rather then relieving the anxiety, as this didn’t pass until I was home later and all the thoughts had gone but even being able to function with the anxiety is essential for recovery.  Not being completely paralysed by the fear, thoughts and the physical reaction is also an achievement in itself and by writing this now I am only just realising that myself.

It’s so frustrating to have to be on a journey – man I hate that word – but like it or not I am on an OCD recovery journey and I hope some of the things I am learning along the way are helping you guy’s out too.

Stay Strong xxx