Today is the first day I’ve been able to put a real name to this type of OCD.  Up until now I’ve always described my ‘false memories’ as ‘warped memories’, as this is what it has always felt like.  A real memory which has been skewed by my OCD rather then a completely made up/false memory.  All of my ‘False memories’ have been based on something which was originally fact so for example:

“I know for a fact that I definitely drove home from work on Tuesday.  “  – Real memory

but by Wednesday I’m thinking:

“How can I be sure I didn’t hit someone when I was driving through the high street on my way home on Tuesday?  I can’t remember every inch of the drive home so I can’t be entirely sure I didn’t.  “  – False Memory

Over the years I think this may actually have been my biggest issue.  The fear of having done or even just said something I shouldn’t of and having to reanalyse and think back through events over and over and over again. 

These of course are classic OCD traits, the Intolerance of doubt and uncertainty coupled with the feeling of over responsibility. 

My biggest tools for fighting false memories are:

Firstly: Self Belief – knowing your values

I’ve talked quite a lot about self belief in previous posts.  It really is worth taking some time to sit down and look inside yourself (a scary thought for someone with OCD I realise).  It can help to do an exercise on values, working out what your about as a person.  On tough days your values should be what guide you.  Always work towards your values, no matter how you feel, and you’ll be on the right tract.  Know the person you want to be and when you look at yourself you most likely are that person already, your OCD is just covering it up, don’t let it!  When you are worrying about something that happened in the past are you heading towards your values, NO!

Then if you still can’t shift the memory:

Check faulty thinking patterns, Accept the Consequences, Don’t Catastrophize and Sitting with doubt and uncertainty, this is probably best explained with an example:

So say you believe you have run over someone on the way home.  You think about every moment of your drive over and over again but even though you can’t find one scrap of evidence that you have run someone over you cannot shift the false memory.  

Firstly Check for faulty thinking patterns, are you thinking in extremes?: When we are overthinking about something we are using the emotional side of our brains, when this is the case we are unable to think rationally and we often think in extremes.   Think about your reaction, would you really be able to drive over someone and:

• a) Not notice
• b) Have absolutely no memorable reaction
• c) No one else notice?

unlikely I would say

Next: Accept the Consequences (an equivalent to a written exposure)

The consequence of this event would probably be that you would be arrested and have some sort of trial, you may end up in prison and would have to live with the guilt of what you’d done.  I don’t know how many times I’ve imagined myself in police interview rooms explaining that ‘I don’t even remember doing it, sorry’ but actually when you start to realise you wouldn’t have anything to say to the police and that you shouldn’t be able to feel guilty for something you don’t even remember doing.  You start to feel yourself relax.  A lot of the time acceptance of these consequences is easier to deal with then the OCD feeling and constant thinking over of the events.

Next: Don’t Catastrophise the event:

You have no memory of this event so you don’t know what happened, therefore tell yourself that the best outcome occurred rather then the worst.  In this scenario it is just as likely, isn’t it?  So instead of thinking that the person you think you ran over died.  Think that you didn’t run anyone over (which is the actual reality).

Lastly: Be Mindful – Sitting with doubt and uncertainty

So even if these consequences are coming your way, (which of course they’re not) they’re not happening right now, right this second are they?  If they do (which they won’t) you will deal with them then, not now.  No one knows what’s around the corner, as humans we hate to sit with uncertainty.  Uncertainty means we’re not completely in control and prepared for the things coming our way, the brain HATES this.  So this is why we bring mindfulness back in at this point.  Right here, right now, non of that is happening and until then you must make the most of every single second you have because life is super short and you can’t worry about the future.

These tactics have really worked for me in fighting my false memories so I really hope that they can help you too.

I want to add in here that ruminating – thinking on the same memory again and again – really has ZERO use. When we think back over an event are brain is reconstructing the event from the last time we remembered it and so the memory gets fussier and fussier and we are less and less likely to remember things accurately and more and more likely to try and fill in the gaps with rubbish. You have to just sit with the uncertainty and don’t go into that rumination rabbit hole, don’t even take a peek! 

Trying to predict the future – also hopeless by the way. None of us know what’s going to happen and endlessly going over ‘what if’s’ is a sure fire way to make you miserable!

Lastly, never push away OCD thoughts, they’ll just come flying back your way. Just say, ‘thanks for making me aware of that OCD’ and move on with your day. 

Stay strong xxx

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