I haven’t blogged solely about OCD for a while so I though it might be time. I have been avoiding writing this post ever since I started this blog, it’s a really tough topic for me to write about as I still struggle with it myself at times and there’s always a fear that it may trigger something.
My first post on false memory OCD which I wrote over two years ago has been my most viewed post by a country mile and that just tells me how many people are struggling with this one. It is I believe one of the most isolating parts of OCD and one which I would predict people are most terrified to talk about. I wrote about it once with regards to my fears around driving and false memories/OCD thoughts that I might have hit/killed someone and not realised. Today I take it a step further and talk about another completely terrifying topic the fear/false memory that you may have interfered with a child.
I would say thinking you are a murderer or a paedophile are probably two of the scariest and terrifying thoughts you could have.
OCD is very clever, because ultimately you know you haven’t done these things but because you cannot prove it 100% you spend hours obsessing over the fact you might have. You spend hours googling things and pretty much driving yourself insane going over the same situation again and again and again, slowly withdrawing from reality. You become irritable if distracted and are unable to function properly. You are scared to tell anyone, as who would have these horrible thoughts and be ‘normal’ (whatever that is), and so you become more and more isolated and alone.
This part of Pure O and false memory OCD has made me think I’m the worst human alive and so scared to speak to others through fear of being judged that at times I have thought the only way out or release would be ending my life.
Pure O intrusive thoughts have made me too scared to give my niece a hug when I read her a story, scared to take my nephew to the bathroom and at times scared to bath my own children through fear that I might do something inappropriate.
False memory OCD has also played it’s evil part in this and at times has made me think I actually have acted inappropriately, which of course I now know is complete rubbish.
All this I am sad to say in the past has led me to withdraw from seeing my family and friends and made me feel like the only way out is ending my own life. The thought that I could harm some of the people in this world who I love the most has been completely horrifying and probably the worst part of my OCD over the years, hence why it’s taken me so long to write about it.
Having a thought does not make it real or you a bad person, we all have them. It does not mean that you will harm a child or do something inappropriate.
It can be extremely difficult to talk about these intrusive thoughts, particularly if they include people close to you or their children but it is unbelievably important that you do if you are having them. Doctors are trained to hear about these thoughts and will not think you are crazy or a horrible person, they will be sympathetic and understanding, they will have heard it all before I promise you.
By talking to a professional and saying the thoughts out loud it takes their power away immediately, it normalises them as you see other peoples reaction is, just normal.
You have to believe in yourself and know that you are a good person. You find these thoughts repulsive and so disturbing because you are a good person. It is normal to have a negative reaction to the thought but you then have to let the thought go and not dwell on it. This is what everyone else does because everyone has these thoughts!
I have come such a long way with these intrusive thoughts, I have gone from feeling like I can’t bath my son, to pushing myself to and ignore the thoughts, to now not even having the thoughts at all. Bath time has actually become a fun time, splashing about and laughing.
You just have to know who you are, truly, you are not a bad person. If you know that then you will know you are incapable of acting on any of the intrusive thoughts coming your way, particularly these ones. Work on liking yourself and you must speak to someone, I cannot stress how important this is, then you will be able to pull yourself out of the darkness like I did.
I hope by me putting this out there that it will help people in a similar position to feel less alone and seek help. This has been unbelievably hard for me to write about and has actually bought tears to my eyes but if it can help one person then it has been worth it.
As always (and this week I’m definitely talking to myself to),
STAY STRONG xxx