healthy relationships – Conquering OCD

A complicated topic this one, I think. I very rarely drink nowadays and to be honest I don’t really miss it but with the Christmas season coming up and the inevitable works Christmas party on the horizon I am feeling the pressure a bit more.

I’ve mentioned to my work colleagues that ‘I won’t be drinking at the Christmas party‘ during a conversion about ‘what we should drink on the train on the way there!‘ and I was met with, ‘once you have one you’ll want to drink‘ and ‘but your so much fun when you’re drunk‘ etc etc. Now don’t get me wrong I work with a good bunch of people and I know they respect my decision but it has highlighted to me that you are definitely going against the grain if you don’t drink.

So why is it such a taboo and why is our culture so focused on drinking as a social MUST to have fun?

Are we just all too nervous to relax in social situations otherwise or is it just the love of drinking away the realities of the world for a few hours (was that a bit deep?).

I’ve definitely used alcohol as a way to escape the realities of my life in the past. I drank massively to excess during my 20’s, partly due to my OCD but also partly because in our culture today it really is just the done thing.

Nowadays I don’t mind not fitting in, I know who I am and I am happy with that, I don’t need to conform but through my 20’s I was not confident. In fact I kind of hated myself a lot of the time (thank you OCD) and so I drank like everybody else.

There’s definitely a bit of dedication involved in not conforming but still partaking in life. It’s not healthy to cut yourself off from social situations completely to avoid drinking, especially if you suffer from mental health issues, being on your own is going to do you no favours (Obviously if you have a serious problem this could be different for you and you should get some help).

It is difficult as you can come across as being awkward or difficult a lot of the time. I hardly drink and I don’t eat dairy so I’m never having a bit of the birthday cake or sip of the celebratory champagne and occasionally I do feel like I’m being anti social but you just have to own it and enjoy the fact that you’ll be the one with the clear head in the morning.

I’m not sure whether I’ll ever completely give up alcohol but I think I’d like to. In the past I would have terrible memory loss after a night out drinking and that mixed in with false memory and magical thinking OCD was a very, very scary mix, especially if you don’t have a good mate to fill in the blanks for you. These are definitely days I’d happily leave in the past.

I know this sort of memory loss can be terrifying for people with OCD but there’s no way around it other then just not drinking. If you’re using alcohol to block out bad thoughts then I can tell you now that it’s only a short term fix and it will not work, but you probably already knew that didn’t you?

Recovery is a slow process but it’s worth it and things will start to get better I promise.

Stay Strong xxx

Money is something that I have a very complicated relationship with, I’m guessing I’m probably not alone in this. Like with food it’s one of those things in life that you can’t just avoid or ignore, it’s part of life and you have to try and have a good and healthy relationship with it.

We were never rich growing up but there was always food on the table and a warm bed to get into at night. We didn’t have nice holidays or new toys all the time and we were the family who had to walk and bus everywhere whilst the neighbours turned a blind eye and got into their cars to travel, quite often to the same place we were heading but that was OK, it definitely could of been worse and I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.

My relationship with money actually took a very dark turn when I was 18 and I travelled to New Zealand for a gap year. My gran had very kindly paid for the flights and I was going to be staying and volunteering at a local school so I didn’t think I would have to worry about money. I had saved about £700 in my bank account from working weekends as a waitress at a local pub and to me that was a lot of money, I’d be fine and for the most part things were fine.

Once the summer holidays came the people I was volunteering with wanted to travel to Australia, off we went and again I didn’t really think much about 3 weeks away. About half way through the holiday I completely ran out of money and I became reliant completely on the people I was travelling with, this was not good.

One of them made me feel like the smallest piece of dirt every time we had to get lunch or pop into a supermarket and she had to contribute a bit extra to help me out. I’m not talking about big posh dinners now, I’m talking about a pot noodle or a sandwich, literally enough to survive on. The other – who was an ex boyfriend – basically made me feel indebted to him and like I had to get back with him and be with him to justify what he was giving to me. I felt so grateful at the time that he wasn’t leaving me penniless, I probably would of done anything he asked. It really was one of the lowest points of my entire life and I wish I could of been stronger but at the time I just wasn’t. My OCD was bad and my life experience was just non existent, now I look back I was scarily vulnerable and it makes me so sad.

Fast forward to when I came home and off I went to university, because isn’t that what every teenager does? I still had no money and was in a terrible mental space because of my OCD. I remember one winter I didn’t even have money for shoes and so wore my flip flops, man it was cold. I used to eat rice, frozen veg and tinned tuna every day as it was all I could afford. I eventually dropped out of university as I was spiralling downhill very quickly and pretty much moved in with the aforementioned ex. I’m sad to report that it took me about 5 years to start to build myself up again after going through multiple toxic relationships and jobs.

There are probably many issues I need to deal with from this situation but for now I’m focusing on the money. I guess it is unsurprising that I now have an obsessive relationship with money, checking my bank account a lot and keeping spreadsheets of every transaction. Of course this behaviour is not healthy for me and I’ve reached a point currently where it is completely unnecessary. I shouldn’t have to look at my bank account all the time and so I am going to try not to.

In fact I am going to try and not look at my bank for a year!

Yes that’s right, one whole year. Personally I will be amazed if I can do this but man I would love to so I’m going to try. I will keep you posted.

It makes me sad that so much of modern life revolves around money, we can loose so much of ourselves in the quest for it. It can give other people significant power over us and make us feel unworthy and less than.

Writing this blog post has been tougher then I thought and it’s bought up more issues then I expected but I’m glad I’ve managed to make a start on unpicking some of my yucky past. I hate looking back as it makes me so sad but if I don’t how else will I heal?

As always,

Stay Strong xxx

Tag: healthy relationships

Alcohol – the social pressure

Money – A complicated relationship