Over the years my OCD has had a massive impact on my relationships. For so long I’ve kept my OCD hidden from so many people, the result being that there are actually very few people in this world who truly know the real me. In fact I would go so far as to say there’s only one, my husband. Everyone else is looking at a slightly cut down version of me.
Wow, I just need to absorb that sentence for a minute, it’s almost unbelievable.
Out of all my family member’s, friends, work colleagues, everyone I’ve ever met, there’s only one person who I can truly be myself with, who I never feel judged by and who ultimately just gets me.
For years I made excuses not to go places for so many reasons, I think my friends thought I was probably being awkward or anti social and I probably missed out on a lot over the years. I’m probably not as close to them as I should be because really I’ve never truly felt totally relaxed and myself around them.
In the past when people would pick up on things, so called ‘quirks’ of my OCD, they would just laugh at me, not really understanding what was going on, it really makes me quite sad now. Gosh, how different things could of been if I’d had the support I’d needed and the guts to just talk about what was going on with me.
More recently I haven’t kept my OCD a secret when I’ve met new people and over the last couple of years I have tried to tell my family members too but people just don’t talk about mental illness, EVER! I’m not saying I want to make it the topic of every conversation I have but I definitely get the impression that it’s easier to ignore it then to acknowledge it.
In fact it’s still easier for me to ignore my OCD most days but then it is a massive part of who I am and the way I am and so I’m being dishonest to myself not to own it. It’s something I have carried around constantly for 21 years and actually it has been a pretty heavy burden at times and so it’s time to break free and own it and see how it feels not to have to hide it anymore.
Nothing positive can come from hiding a mental illness, if you are reading this feeling like there is no one you can talk to then you’re wrong. There are medical professionals, who I promise will have heard the things you are telling them before, no matter how crazy you think they sound. If that feels too much then you can contact a charity, they will give you advice and ideas about what you can do, Mind, OCD UK, and OCD Action are all good sites.
Stay Strong xxx